Con The Fruiterer Wouldn’t Let You Walk Past These Lychee’s
There was a golden moment in the 1980s when Australian comedy lived on free-to-air television and characters like Con The Fruiterer with phrases like “coupla days,” “bewdiful,” and “doesn’t madda” slipped into everyday language. The Paul Hogan Show, The Comedy Company, Fast Forward, Full Frontal and Hey Hey It’s Saturday continue to rattle around in my brain.
So, let’s kick off the lychee season in the style of Con The Fruiterer, letting you know 10 interesting facts about Lychees right here in the Bundy region.
OI OI OI! STOP! YOU’RE WALKING PAST A MIRACLE!
Eh! Where you going? Bank? Pub? Doesn’t matter — come here! Look at this fruit! LY-CHEE! Don’t be shy, it’s not gonna bite ya!
1. This fruit is older than your Nonna
Lychees come from China. Two thousand years old. Emperors ate this. If it’s good enough for an emperor, it’s good enough for you, my friend.
2. Queensland? Forget about it
Ninety-nine per cent of all Aussie lychees grown right here in Queensland. Bundaberg, Childers — boom! Powerhouse! The rest of Australia? Just looking.
3. One of a kind — like my cousin Tony
Botanically, it’s the only one. Litchi chinensis. No brothers, no sisters. Very dramatic fruit.
4. You eat the flesh — NOT the bullet
Inside there’s a big seed. Poisonous! You don’t chew it, you don’t swallow it. You spit it out like bad olive!
5. Takes seven years — SEVEN!
You plant the tree today, you wait five to seven years. That’s longer than my cousin’s café lasted, OK?
6. Bees do the work, we take the credit
No bees, no lychees. Simple. Respect the bees — they’re on wages lower than you.
7. Red doesn’t mean sweet, relax
People say, “Con, I want red.” I say, “What is this, lipstick?” Sweetness comes from the tree, not the paint job.
8. Picked by hand — every single one
No machines. Picked by hand in bunches. That’s why your fingers get sticky. It’s called character.
9. Shelf life? Forggedaboutit
Once picked, they start going downhill. You buy today, you eat tonight. Tomorrow? Maybe. Cuppla Days? You dreaming.
10. Aussies don’t eat enough of them
Only twelve per cent of households buy lychees. That means eighty-eight per cent don’t know what they’re doing.
SO! Lychee season in Bundaberg and Childers is ON RIGHT NOW!
Try one! Try two! Take a bag! Eat them in the car, drip juice on your shirt, what’s the madda with You!
When the season’s over, don’t come back crying — I told you, you walk past, you lose!
Chitchat Newspaper. January 2026.