Job Title: Father/ Dad
Department: Family Operations, Maintenance & Bad Jokes
Employment Type: Permanent. No annual leave. No retirement date.
Hours: 24/7, including weekends, public holidays and approximately 3am whenever someone vomits.
Salary: Negotiable. Usually paid in cuddles, handmade cards and the occasional “Thanks, Dad.”
Reports To: Technically no one. In reality, Mum and several tiny managers with unreasonable demands.
Position Description
We are seeking a reliable, patient and preferably slightly ridiculous individual to fill the position of Dad.
The successful applicant will be responsible for providing financial security, protection, food on the table and the reassuring belief that Dad probably knows what he is doing (even when he absolutely does not)
Essential Duties
Applicants must be able to:
• Come up with Dad jokes in an efficient and timely manner. Successful jokes must then be repeated at every available opportunity, particularly after family members have specifically requested they never be told again.
• Apply the compulsory Dad Tax to children’s food. Also known as testing for poison, this important safety procedure requires Dad to take a bite from any meal, dessert or particularly delicious snack before allowing the child to proceed.
• Identify household items requiring repair, announce, “Yep, I can fix that,” purchase $147 worth of tools for a $30 job and then wait approximately two months before commencing repairs.
• Throw children at least one metre into the air and, importantly, catch them again.
• Participate in rough-and-tumble play while maintaining an acceptable family bone-fracture rate of zero.
• Cook a barbecue while standing around it with tongs in hand, occasionally clicking them together to ensure they remain operational.
• Take children on spontaneous adventures while remembering snacks, fishing rods, bikes and camping equipment, but somehow forgetting at least one child’s shoes.
• Carry sleeping children from the car to bed, regardless of how ridiculously heavy they have suddenly become.
• Purchase toys the children absolutely do not need, usually immediately after Mum has said, “They have enough toys.”
• Display the playfulness and imagination of Bluey’s dad while maintaining the ability to relax with the dedication of Homer Simpson.
• Perform intimidating facial expressions when meeting teenage boyfriends. An unnecessarily firm handshake and prolonged eye contact are considered acceptable substitutes.
Highly Desirable Skills
Experience opening impossible jars, reaching high shelves, removing spiders, assembling flat-pack furniture without reading the instructions and saying “We’re not heating the whole neighbourhood!” while turning off lights will be highly regarded.
The Serious Bit…
Of course, being a dad isn’t really about who earns the money, cooks the barbecue or tells the worst jokes. It’s about showing up. A firm yet guiding hand, and safe place.
So this Father’s Day, Chitchat tips its hat not only to the dads, but to stepdads, grandfathers, uncles, foster dads, guardians, mentors and every father figure who has stepped forward to protect, encourage, teach, guide, provide and love.
Because sometimes the person doing the job of “Dad” isn’t Dad at all.
To every father figure helping raise the next generation, whether you’re teaching them to ride a bike, carrying them to bed, cheering from the sidelines, fixing what they’ve broken or quietly making sure there is food on the table, we see you, and we thank you.
To those in our community facing Father’s Day with an empty chair, an absent phone call, a person they wish was still here or simply feelings that are difficult to put into words, you are not forgotten. You are in our thoughts too.
To all the wonderful dads and father figures out there, your job description might be impossible, your hours terrible and your Dad Tax increasingly under investigation…
But the benefits are priceless.
Happy Father’s Day from Chitchat.
Published September 2026. Chitchat Newspaper.